How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Randomize
