I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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