youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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