hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
