god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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