When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
