I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
