Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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