Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
be right there i have to get my cape
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
