I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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