So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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