It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
