She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I think my vagina is haunted
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I think i got beer on your cat.
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