Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
