I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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