Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
