my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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