After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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