Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
