if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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