she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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