is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
