My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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