did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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