she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
