the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
