once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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