I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
