this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
