I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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