I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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