You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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