omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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