my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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