There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
