Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
