One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
