as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
