The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
