Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
