So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize