I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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