Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
