They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
