I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
