Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I woke up under a house in Key West
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize