I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
