We're like a lot better than the average bears
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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