If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
