i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize