You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
