Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
