So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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