if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
