dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
