I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize