I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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