I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
