I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
