just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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