so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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