I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
