Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
you made out with another girl for some wings
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
